crys_loch | Fic: Love and Loyalties 3/11

Fic: Love and Loyalties 3/11

Vampire Stories, story 4

BtVS / Buffy/Willow/Xander

NC- 17

Summery: Cordelia? There are many questions that arise. Some truths are revealed. And everyone has choices to make.

Love and Loyalties, part 3.

Disclaimers and warnings are listed in part 1 and still apply.

Willow walked along the trail by the bay back towards the city. When she came across an easy path down to the water, she absently crossed the rocky beach to the lapping waves. It was low tide and the full scent of the ocean surrounded her, the rhythmic hush of gentle waves caressed her mind. She placed her hands in the water and let the magic within her reach out to the depths of the dark sea. A pulse of great power returned to her in the same rhythm as the waves. It was a swirling pool of potential; a dark catalyst of possibilities. Unknown and unformed. Willow started to imagine elaborate magics that could shield them from detection. She began to devise a way to replace Xander’s eye. She pulled the power to her promising to continue to fix everything in the wake of what had happened. The vast source filled her. It filled her with yearning.

‘Why are you here?’ She heard her own voice intrude inside her mind.

‘To…to feel this.’ Willow stuttered an answer in thought, surprised.

‘This?’ The voice was her own inside her own mind, the origin of the thought was not.

‘The connection to you, your power. If…if that’s okay.’ Willow thought back a little more reverently. She never expected a conscious aspect to the source. The earth never gave her this kind of feedback before.

‘I call to you?’ It continued.

‘Well, yes,’ Willow tried to explain, ‘it’s a calling I guess. I tap into something greater than myself and I can change things, fix things, make them better. I don’t want to do anything now. I just need to know I can. I just need to feel this.’

‘Strange.’ The voice continued.

‘Why?’ Willow was too curious and the question entered her mind before she could think it may be presumptuous.

‘That you would hear my call and for such purpose.’ The voice trailed off in wonder in Willow’s mind.

‘Why? Who usually hears your call?’ Willow impulsively asked even as she mentally kicked herself. She instantly berated herself to stop with the interrogation before He? She?...It got angry. Then prayed these thoughts were somehow shielded.

‘Sailors. There are still sailors who hear my call.’ The voice paused, hummed in her mind for a moment. ‘You are different. Old. A faint trace of something I haven’t felt since I swallowed Atlantis.’

Willow puzzled that for a moment. The waves still pulsed the connection: low, cold and calm. ‘Am I unwelcome?’

‘No.’ The voice replied calmly. ‘Are you unwarranted?’ It asked in return.

Just as Willow was trying to form a reply or question, she felt the connection withdraw on its own. She rose to her feet, a little frustrated and off balance. The borrowed power was ebbing away. She felt the pull to return to that source and felt angry that some ‘thing’ had cut her from it. She recoiled from the anger. Turning, she scrambled quickly across the rocky shore and up the small bank to the pathway above. This, this she remembered. That loss, that hole, that need, just fill it, keep it full. But you can’t fill a sieve. Her need. Her own need was the only need now. There was no greater fight, no greater good from this. Willow turned and looked out over the water. Calm in the low tide, deceptively peaceful, it still called to her as if with a crashing gale roar. She let her borrowed power ebb and leak and finally drain back to the earth just as the waves leave the last of their selves at the shore. Frustrated and still angry, now mostly at herself; Willow started back to return to the city. Maybe she could find Buffy or Xander and join them before dawn.

* * *

Buffy and Cordelia contented themselves with small talk. Why they ended up picking a small city in the Northwest. What the town was like, at least what they could tell by night. The people. The differences and similarities. A simple conversation that let Cordelia settle her mind on where she was now rather than the past events. Begin the orientation process. A safe topic. Cordelia relaxed finally into the booth seat, sipping her soda occasionally and pleasantly full though half her food remained untouched on her plate. Buffy was on her second beer and also seemingly relaxed. Born and raised in California, her observations of her new home were sometimes accompanied with sarcasm, disbelief and even outright laughter. She kept it all upbeat and positive. She liked it here, this fresh start. She tried to convey that feeling to Cordelia. But the humans around her in the diner kept nagging a thirst the beer couldn’t quench; their heartbeats constant in her ear and calling to her. “Cordy,” Buffy broke into a lull in the conversation, “I’m feeling a bit peckish as Spike used to say. I’m just gonna step outside for a moment. I’ll be right back.”

Before Cordelia could even form a reply, Buffy left the booth and the diner. Back out into the night and the dark streets, she smiled. She didn’t want to go far and looking just down the road she spotted the blues club that Xander always liked. Why it was named Wild Buffalo here in the Northwest she could never figure out, but it had a steady booking of good live bands providing a wide mix of young people around, distraction and music loud enough to cover any startled protests or screams. Buffy headed to the club, easily separated a young man from the rest of his group taking a ‘smoke a joint’ break and lead him further back around the side of the building. It didn’t take long, she walked back around the back of the building so she wouldn’t pass by the group again and returned to the diner feeling much better.

Buffy slid back into the booth, startling Cordelia. “Sorry.” She grinned.

“I don’t think you are,” Cordelia observed. She waved it off. “Just something I have to get used again.”

“There’s a lot you’ll have to get used to if you live around us, Cordy. It’s not gonna be like living with Angel.” Buffy giggled. “Whoa, I may be a little high.”

Cordelia sat up straighter in her seat. “High? As in stoned? You went out to get stoned?”

“No,” Buffy explained, “the guy I ate, he was smoking pot. It’s like a contact high. It’ll pass soon. Cool though.” Her grin was goofy and infectious.

Cordelia shook her head. “I remember in High School, at that party I had to drag you to, by the way, you didn’t even want to drink. Now here you are with a beer and a contact high is cool.”

“You mean the party where they drugged our drinks and then tried to offer us to their snake?” Buffy made sure she emphasized ‘snake’ properly.

“Okay, yeah, probably a bad example,” Cordelia conceded.

Buffy happily waved her off before she could continue. “All in the past, Cordy. And hey, brings me back to my point, everything’s changed. And yes, especially the obvious. But I mean living with us, around us, will be very very different from what you’re used to. I’m not sure you’ll be able to deal with it. And we’re not gonna change it. Not in our own home. And thinking about it a little bit tonight as we were talking, I’m not sure you should deal with it. With us. Being around us.”

Cordelia was overwhelmed. She felt like she was at square one. She felt like crying but there was just nothing left. “Buffy, please, please don’t kick me out. Not now when I just got used to the idea of having a place to be.”

“I’m not kicking you out, Cordelia,” Buffy reassured her. “I’m just wondering if you know what you’re in for?”

Cordelia lowered her voice. “Well I know you’re vampires. And yes, I know, not like Angel. And I know the three of you are lovers if that’s what you’re worried about. I don’t care about that. I mean, Willow explained it, sort of, with the whole staying connected and bonding thing.”

“Yeah well, that bonding as you call it happens a lot and all over the loft.” Buffy warned her. “Cordy, we’re trapped inside for hours just pacing around waiting for the sun to go down. We get bored and start to think of fun ways to spend the time. Plus, that connection, it feels a lot less lonely. We feel a lot less empty.” Buffy decided to be more blunt. “So we have sex or spend the day naked in each other’s arms just before and after the sex. You’ll see it.”

Cordelia took a moment to process all that in, shaking her head when too many visuals began to play. “Okay… I’m… I mean, you’re not going to try and start bonding with me, right?”

Buffy laughed. “Hadn’t planned on it. Why? You want us to start bonding with you, Cordy?”

“No!” Cordelia softened her voice. “No, that’s okay. And it’s okay, the bonding thing.” She took a deep breath. “Sex. I mean, as long as I don’t have to, you know. And I can just go to my room, or leave, go out somewhere, right?”

“Of course you can go, to your room or wherever. And no-one’s gonna make you have sex with them. We…” Buffy paused for a moment to find the right words to explain, “We have an odd set of lines that not even we will cross. Not many and I wouldn’t call them morals really. Just a connection to our memories of when we were human. And maybe a stronger connection to those memories than most vampires have because of who we are, or were. Even Xander now I think, at least a little. Anyway, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

“Okay.” Cordelia released a breath. She didn’t even think about worrying about something like this. Being killed or turned, sure. But… she chose to just believe Buffy and pushed the thought from her mind. “Well, I got used to a ghost watching me. I guess I can get used to watching others,” she absently thought out loud.

“Hold up,” Buffy was going to make her clarify that last part. “What do you mean you got used to a ghost watching you?”

Cordelia refocused on Buffy and the current conversation. “Oh, my apartment in LA was haunted. His name was Dennis. He had a bit of a crush on me. And boy, did he love to watch. And I… well, I got used to it.”

“You enjoyed it,” Buffy called her on it.

“Fine.” Cordelia confessed if only to move the conversation back to how she would be able to live with them. “So, I’ll probably end up enjoying watching you guys,” she boldly finished.

Buffy smiled. “Feel free.”

“You know,” Cordelia’s sudden thought propelled her to switch topics, “this will probably sound really odd given what we were just talking about, but I couldn’t help but think of it after you left the diner earlier. And it will probably get you pretty pissed at me and I shouldn’t say it. But out of all three of you, Buffy, it’s like you’re the least changed. The most like you always were, you know.”

Buffy’s smile faded. “Cordy. I left the diner to kill someone. Before, I would have left the diner to save someone and kill something. Now I kill the someone because I feel a little hungry. I am the something.”

“I know, I know.” Cordelia was quick to jump in. “But it’s just; you were always fighting and killing. And then after, you’d just go back to hanging out and chatting. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it. I don’t have any filters yet. And I think my time living the ends justify the means lifestyle has totally screwed my moral compass. I get that. It wasn’t meant to be an insult.”

“I wasn’t insulted.” Buffy replied on reflex. “Okay, maybe the memory of myself was totally insulted, but it’s not like I have any guilt or remorse or anything. I was just surprised. You know, this does lead me to something else I mentioned earlier. If you want a normal life back, living with us probably isn’t the way to get it. I mean, you’re whole moral compass thing, we’re not the ones to show you the way.”

“No,” Cordelia contradicted with great conviction, “you’re exactly the ones I need to be with. That’s one of the things I realized while they showed me what had happened and where I could go now. It’s broken. I’m broken. And either it can be fixed or it can’t. But either way, the last thing I need is a bunch of people telling me which way is north. With you guys, I’ll have the freedom of figuring out wrong or right for myself without the influence of things I no longer trust.”

“Okay.” Buffy simply nodded her head. “Say, you want to get out of here, go back and start some serious drinking? There’s an all night drug store around the corner. You can at least get a toothbrush and stuff, and maybe some snacks if you want to eat while you drink.”

Cordelia smiled, relaxed, relieved. It sounded like the best idea in the world at the moment. “Yeah, that’d be great.” She paused; made sure she had Buffy’s attention. “Thanks, Buffy.”

Buffy nodded. They left the diner.

* * *

Jenny and Giles both quickly closed and zipped their jackets against the cool night air as they stepped outside. The breeze off the Salish Sea made Jenny wish she had thought to wear a hat. Giles smiled as he took a deep long breath. The nights would remain cool here, unlike Sunnydale, even as this northern corner tilted towards the sun and the everlasting days of the summer months. Beautiful differences. And hopefully there would be enough of them to heal the soul.

They lived now just off Cornwall Ave. in a newly renovated area of downtown. And it was down Cornwall Ave. they walked. This area surrounded them with dozens of restaurants, shops, businesses and coffee houses; held skyline towers of condos and offices. And one old remnant that spoke of the continued presence of residence: the old high school. It wasn’t far down Cornwall and Jenny found herself staring at its dark visage as they passed and shuddered despite her attempt at nonchalance. Usually she avoided walking past the school. There were plenty of alternate routes. Its presence was the one drawback from the place they had chosen and one she refused to consider in their decision, telling herself she would just have to get over it. It was healthy to get over it. Still, even if it looked nothing like its Sunnydale counterpart, she wondering if ‘getting over it’ was possible.

Giles noticed the shudder and simply, wordlessly, entwined his arm with hers and perhaps sped up their pace a little. It was a dark haunting presence in his psyche he refused to admit to as well. And in the refusal, was now the strength she could cling to. Soon they were past the school anyway. A bridge over a creek in the middle of a city was a pleasant and welcome reminder of elsewhere, of the present. They stopped for a moment to admire the incongruity. Still, he kept a watchful eye on the shadows. Kept scanning the spaces around them. This city felt different, smelled different. But it was night. Their first journey out into the night. And he knew for a fact that there were vampires here.

Jenny rubbed his chest and kissed his cheek as if knowing what he was thinking. They continued again arm in arm and soon turned left onto E. Holly St. It would seem they made it. People could be seen milling about and gathered into groups. Instead of relaxing, Jenny clung tighter to Giles’ arm.

Stopping for a moment under a streetlight, Giles turned toward Jenny and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Are you alright? We could call this experiment done and hail a taxi for a ride back.”

Jenny smiled and leaned into Giles as if for warmth, feeling his arms wrap around her. “No, I’m fine. When there’s people and noise and smells, I just…” She searched for some words. “That first push, rush, I guess I still have to brace myself. That sensory input pain, it’s like a hard slap. Then it eases up.” She pulled back so she could look into his eyes. “I want to do this. If I’m alive I need to start living. And live like I remember living- as if I’m alive.”

“Even if it hurts?” Giles reasoned.

Jenny laughed then, untangled herself and continued them down the sidewalk. “Rupert, love, since when does life not hurt?”

As they neared the entrance to the Wild Buffalo blues club, they could feel as much as faintly hear the music drifting out from behind the blackened façade windows. There was a small collection of men and women gathered near the front and a little off to the side. As they passed, Jenny could smell the unmistakable sweet scent of pot smoke. The sudden memories that brought to her were as close a convergence of mortal memories to vague heaven memories as anything yet and she took a deep breath. “I wonder if they’ll share?” she murmured to herself.

Giles chuckled and halted their progress towards the door. “You want to get stoned?”

“You heard that, huh?” Jenny ruefully smiled. “Not stoned, just… gods, it’d be nice to take the edge off.” Just then someone in a passing car honked the horn a couple times at someone they knew. Jenny visibly jumped. “Maybe just a few drags. What’s the worse that will happen? We take a cab home?”

Giles noticed the struggle in her posture: her tight muscles, her strained eyes. She wanted so much to be okay with being alive. But nothing made that okay, not after… Well time did. But time took so much damn time and until then there was the struggle. He couldn’t handle it with Buffy, failed her, ran away when she clearly couldn’t make it all alright and left her drowning in it all. And by all accounts, she clung to Spike; until time… He could not fail again. Had to support it being okay until it was okay. “Go. See if it helps. I’ll remain the clearheaded one for the night.”

Jenny smiled and kissed him quickly. Leaving him to stand off away near the entrance, she approached the group. “Hey, does anyone mind if I bum or buy a few drags?”

Everyone eyed her wearily. One guy spoke up. “We all got our cards, ma’am.”

“Cards?” Jenny repeated. Ma’am? When did this get hard? When did she get old?

“You’re a cop, right?” Another one tried to confirm.

“I’m really not.” Jenny wasn’t sure how she was going to convince anyone of this though. She’d just have to give up. Across the street someone shouted for someone else and Jenny flinched.

“Here.” A young man wearing a canvas work jacket and wool cap held a lit joint out towards her. Everyone in the group watched carefully as she took the offered joint and pulled a long practiced, remembered drag. After a moment, as she released the held smoke, everyone relaxed. She passed the joint back to her new friend.

“Thanks. I’m Jenny.” The offered hand for a handshake was met with an offered joint instead and gratefully accepted.

“Toby.” He smiled and waved it away back towards her when she tried to offer the remainder back.

“How’d you know I wasn’t a cop?” Jenny wondered.

“I saw you jump at the horn and noises.” Toby shrugged. “You’re a Vet, right? Just back from the war? You know, you can get a Green Card for PTSD. Here…” he pulled a business card from his pocket. “see him. He can get you one. Really helped a friend of mine.”

Jenny took the card and pocketed it. “Thanks.” She wondered about her new status as War Vet; killed in the line of duty she supposed. She let the thoughts go as she squeezed one last pull on the joint and put it out. “Just… thanks.”

“No problem.” Toby smiled. “Just doing my part to support the troops.”

Jenny walked back over to Giles all smiles and linked her arm in his again.

“Better?” He amusedly inquired.

“We’ll see,” Jenny hedged, “but so far, so very much good.” She did feel lighter, less focused. The noise, smells and lights instead of pounding in, seemed to drift and slide around her. There was still the commotion of people, but holding onto Rupert anchored her. And music, for the first time since coming back, seemed to call to her again. If for nothing else, for that right now, she was grateful. They entered the club.

* * *

The all night drug store was what could be termed ‘old fashioned’. Rows of old white metal shelves led you around in a maze of a wide variety of essentials and just, well… stuff. There were souvenirs for tourists, cheap tools and auto supplies, and even cheaper electronics. There were also the regular drug store staples of over the counter meds, first aid, cheap cosmetics and personal care items. Some of which Cordelia picked out, promising herself to replace as soon as possible. But Buffy was right: the toothbrush, hairbrush and etceteras would feel like heaven tomorrow morning. The pharmacy was caged and locked up tight for the night. But the ice cream freezer and junk food isles were well stocked. They definitely knew their customers. Buffy paid for their impromptu varied inventory and they headed out.

* * *

Jenny bolted out of the club’s door and turned blindly down E. Holly St., walking at a brisk pace toward Railroad. Giles followed her only daring to come up along beside her as she slowed down. They stopped near the corner. She was breathing steady now, no longer shaking. “I’m sorry,” she spoke more to the pavement than to her companion.

“Don’t be,” he was quick to quietly reassure. “It will get better. I know this for a fact. But that doesn’t matter. In any case, whatever this is like at the moment, I’ll be with you.”

“It’s just…” Jenny continued; head down, as if she didn’t hear him, “the music was too loud and the crowd was too close…”

“Jenny,” Giles softly interrupted her by gently cupping her chin and raising her face so he could see her eyes. They held some tears, but weren’t panicked or too lost. In fact, even now he could see some fire returning to them. He could feel in his hand some resolve stiffening her posture. He smiled and lightly kissed her. “You lasted longer that I would have thought possible.” He shook his head slightly and grinned. “You do like jumping into the deep end, don’t you?”

Jenny finally smiled and relaxed. She thought back, far back on her life. “You know, come to think of it, that’s actually how I learned to swim. Mind you, that time, it was my cousin daring me until I couldn’t take it anymore; but yeah, I guess I do tend to jump in pretty easy.”

“Just one of the many things I love about you,” Giles easily confessed. “Let’s dub this experiment a success and call a taxi for the return home, shall we?”

Before Jenny could answer, they heard the voice. One of the voices they half feared all night that they might hear; but reasoned, rationalized would not actually happen. Even worse, it was as they both remembered. Not laced with malice, but friendly. They heard Buffy’s voice before they saw her crossing Railroad almost directly in front of them. Quickly, Jenny and Giles moved closer to the building to shield themselves more from her view should she turn around. She wasn’t alone. Unbelievably, she was linking arms as she crossed the street with another woman. A woman who was not Willow. They could just tell that much… Then the two women stopped for a moment under a streetlight on the median in the road. They turned and talked to each other. It was strange, only one’s breath visible in the cool night air. Then the mystery woman turned just a little more in their direction. Jenny and Giles could clearly see who was with Buffy. Cordelia.

Giles couldn’t help but round on Jenny. “Cordelia! Jenny, did you know?!”

“No!” Jenny was just as shocked and was relieved when the honesty of that appeared to be noticed by Giles and his features softened. “No, I only know what you do. What Faith told you. That Cordelia died after a time in a coma. That everyone in LA died after the battle. Rupert, do you think she’s in danger?”

“I…” Giles took a moment to look back over at the two women, watching them continue to cross Railroad and up the hill. Their arms were linked again; they seemed in no great hurry and no great distress. “No. I don’t pretend to understand this at all yet, but I do know that Cordelia could tell if she had her arms linked with a vampire. I have to believe that whatever this is, she’s aware of it. Even if right now, for the life of me, I do not know what to make of it.”

“Okay.” Jenny allowed herself to be reassured by his reasoning and started to rub his chest, hoping to calm him down as well. She watched them continue up E. Holly St. “I don’t know what’s going on, Rupert. But I know we’re not going to solve it here on the street. Or even tonight. Let’s just call that cab, go home and go to sleep. Tomorrow, you can call Faith and see if she has any answers.”

Giles wrapped his arms around Jenny and kissed her head. “Yes. One would think you were the sober one right now.”

“Oh, my high wore off with the panic attack,” Jenny corrected. She reached for her cell phone and made the call.

* * *

Xander wandered the small side roads back toward the part of Railroad they considered their rendezvous point. Rumors, the gay club/college bar was busy tonight. Xander slowly walked up and down the street a short ways looking for either Buffy or Willow. As he turned and headed back to the club, he spotted Willow exit the bar with a young beautiful woman. ‘Way to go, Willow!’, he mentally high-fived. He silently followed to watch as Willow led the woman down a darkened side street and then suddenly into an alley. He watched mesmerized as Willow simply held her to the side of the building, seemly enjoying listening to her panic and beg for her life. Finally, Willow bent forward and fed. Xander could just see the smile on her face as she faced the alley exit. When Willow let her victim drop to the ground, Xander entered the alley clapping, unapologetically making Willow jump.

“That was beautiful!” Xander complimented with a short bow.

“Xander!” Willow accepted the compliment with a hastily picked up pebble thrown at his head.

“Ow! Hey! Applause giving guy here.” Xander objected to the not wholly unexpected treatment.

“Yeah, well, you startled me.” Willow defended. “How much did you see?”

“Since you left the bar, why?” Xander deemed it was now safe to walk up to Willow and wrap his arm around her shoulder. He led them out of the alley and a safer distance away and down the street.

“No reason,” Willow countered unconvincingly.

Xander could tell something was bothering her. Even if he hadn’t just witnessed that display in the alley, he would be able to tell. Before, maybe cajoling, jokes and ice cream to get it out of her. Now… Xander stopped their progress, took Willow in his arms and kissed her. As he tasted the faint traces of blood still left on her lips, a low growl escaped and the kiss deepened, his tongue playfully tracing around her fangs as she reacted. His smile was genuine as he stared into her yellow eyes. “Okay, let’s start over. Hi.”

Willow smiled back. “Hi.”

“Now that we have the pleasantries done, can I ask you about what I saw back there?” Xander kept her in his arms, not willing to let the connection fade.

Willow’s smile faded. “What do you mean? Xander, did you hit your head or feed on an amnesiac? You remember we’re vampires, right?”

Xander laughed. “Nice try. Good jokes. Come on, Will, I mean about how you fed. It was just… different. Beautiful, I meant it. Absolutely beautiful. But different. You don’t usually wait for them to beg like that. I just want to know you’re alright.”

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know.” Willow pushed and Xander reluctantly let her go. “I just… I just really needed it.”

Xander smiled. “Come on.” He started to pull her down to the smaller streets between Railroad and the docks.

“Where are we going?” Willow let herself be pulled along.

Xander suddenly stopped short and pulled her into his arms again. He gave her another purposeful deep kiss. “Hunting, of course.”

The kiss had the desired effect. Though feeling less empty now from the thrill of the recent hunt and the blood of the kill, and feeling generally more balanced now from the connection to Xander, the passion only awakened a desire for more. Willow willingly followed Xander into the darker part of town, telling herself that this time she would heed the toss of the coin.

Nothing was open here this time of night. Shops, lunch restaurants, small offices; all were closed up tidy and safe. What were here were street kids: just down the hill from the college, just off to the side of the main nightlife, just down the way from the bus stop and huddled here between these low closed up buildings.

“Look for the older ones dealing or pimping,” Xander advised. “Think of it as a public service. Besides, you don’t wanna taste what the kids taste like.”

Willow just looked at him and flipped her coin, grateful indeed that it allowed her to let loose one more time. It wasn’t long before they found a group of three young men that would fit their needs. They were too well dressed and too well fed to be anything other than predators themselves. Willow grabbed the first one she came to and threw him hard into the side of a nearby building, knocking him out cold before cutting another’s knees out and feeding off him from behind. It was all so practiced, so ‘this is how you feed from someone bigger than you’, that Xander stupidly watched for a moment and almost let the third get away. Giving chase, he quickly caught him and fed. As he wandered back, Willow was giving him a questioning look.

“Sorry,” Xander offered his trademark goofy grin. “Wasn’t prepared to witness the Willow juggernaut. You keep surprising me tonight.”

Willow just shook her head. “What about this one? You want him?” She motioned to the motionless man on the ground.

“Nah, you can have him,” Xander patted his stomach as if to say he was full.

“Since when do you fill up?” Willow pulled the coin from her pocket to see if she would feed again this time. She could have more. She admitted to herself she wanted more. She wanted, all night this night there was wanting, even needing. But if she was honest with herself, she didn’t need more.

“Hey, I’m trying to be a gentleman here,” Xander protested. He watched the familiar routine of Willow flipping a coin and waited for her to state the result.

“All yours,” Willow smiled. The smile was genuine. She wanted more. Would enjoy it. But finally, there stopped being that aching pit, that craving. She could live with the coin toss.

Xander crouched over the prone man and slapped his face a few times. “Wakey, wakey.” When the man stirred to consciousness, he hefted him up and supported him against a building. Xander allowed the man enough time to become aware of his surrounding and situation. Just as he became angry and began to struggle, Xander let the demon show on his face, fangs protruding past his smile. When the panic started, Xander leaned forward and tore into his neck, allowing the blood to pour effortlessly down his throat. The man’s death was much faster than all the preamble leading to it. Xander dropped the body and turned toward Willow. “Come on. Let’s stroll like old times. There’s still a little night left.”

Willow and Xander ended up in the small park off W. Holly St. It held a good view of the lights off the boats on the bay and a small fountain offered a pleasant cascading and bubbling background ambiance. They cuddled together in each other’s arms on one of the benches. Xander decided to try again. “Willow…”

“Damn it.” Willow cut in when she realized Xander wanted to talk about it again.

Xander looked at her, shocked for a moment and then chuckled. “Wow, vampire life has changed you.”

“Why is everyone so surprised that I know how to swear?” Willow honestly asked.

Xander shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t think you know how. You know a lot of things. It’s that you usually don’t. Of course, tonight, you’re doing things you usually don’t.”

“Or exactly like I’ve always done,” Willow muttered under her breath.

Xander, of course, could hear her. At his look, when nothing more was forthcoming, he raked his nails up and down the back of Willow’s neck; urging with the reminder of permissive, possessive force.

Willow growled low in response and ran her nails up his thigh. She then shrugged her shoulders and relaxed, signaling she’d give in. “You know when I was being turned I cast a quick spell trying not to lose my soul. Trying not to turn evil. The soul part didn’t work, but some part of it did. I mean, I kept a lot of what makes me, me.”

“What does this have to do with tonight?” Xander pushed.

“Well, it’s just, you know that’s why I flip a coin. So I don’t get sucked down the path of wanting and wanting, and just give in to that pit that can’t be filled again. And tonight, in the bar…” Willow looked away from Xander and off to the Salish Sea, to that endless dark watery depth. “I wanted her so bad that I kept flipping the coin until it gave me the permission I needed.”

“And then relished it when you had her.” Xander shrugged. “We do that sometimes. We are vampires.”

“I just don’t want to be some mindless minion of the dark.” Willow turned to face Xander. “I’m not saying you are.”

“I’m not.” Xander confirmed. “Sire’s blood I think.”

“Good, it worked,” Willow exclaimed before thinking.

“What worked?” Xander sat back a little to face Willow fully.

“Oh, um, the plan when we turned you…” Willow grabbed Xander’s hands in her own. “Xander please don’t be mad, we knew we were different and we thought if you kept feeding from Buffy then you’d be different too. Of course the whole thing was based on something Spike said, so we weren’t sure it would work. You’re not mad, are you?”

Xander tried to let it sink in. “What if it didn’t work?”

“Well you were with us and we were with you, so it was all good,” Willow quickly responded.

Xander smiled. “Then no, I’m not mad. I have free will and freedom. When is that something to be angry about?”

“Isn’t free will the danger of taking what you want and then wanting and more taking?” Willow wasn’t sure why she hadn’t told him about what happened at the water’s edge tonight. Looking again out at the bay, she was sure she was going to keep it secret just a little while longer.

Xander paused to puzzle his friend and lover for a moment. There was nothing to do really but continue the conversation where she led it. “It’s choice. With the call of the night down to a dull roar, I don’t have to rampage through it. Like those kids on the street tonight. I don’t hunt them because they have enough shit to deal with. That, and they really don’t taste right. But mostly, I just choose not to. Now the assholes that prey on them: them I’ll hunt sometimes.”

Willow turned back towards Xander and smiled for the first time since the start of the conversation. “I thought you only truly hunted through the rich part of the city.”

“I like to vary my diet,” Xander confessed. “At least I don’t only eat dock workers and sailors. I think that’s where you’re getting your potty mouth.” Xander gathered Willow a little closer into his arms again. “I have free will from that mindless call to annihilate now. It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy myself when I choose to hunt. And Buffy is free from her calling. You know, I think she’s happier now. I always knew there was something with her and vampires… but anyway. You’re always telling us this is a new chance for us. Not if we’re not okay with what we are.” He gently kissed Willow. “Before, even with all of Buffy’s bitching about duty and my whining about lack of superpowers, I think you were the one who was the most unhappy with who they were. Still are.”

“What do you mean?” Willow struggled a little for some distance from Xander but he held tight.

“Willow, stop,” he gently pleaded. “I just mean you’ve never seemed that happy with yourself. And always tried to make yourself different, your surroundings different, the situation different. When the whole time Buffy and I loved you. Just you. How you are. Still do. I’m saying you don’t have to fix anything, be anything than what you are. This is our second chance. We just have to… unlive it.” He finished with his trademark goofy smile.

“You really are an idiot.” Willow smiled back despite herself and the uncanny accurate words that still echoed in her mind.

“But one who sees everything, remember?” Xander was relieved he managed to say what he wanted to say without a big fight or a slap to the face. “Actually, in this town, I’m the kind of guy who gets job offers.”

“What? What do you mean?” Willow pushed away the earlier conversation to worry about later and settled back into his arms.

“Oh, tonight I ran into some would be master vampire and a couple of his minions. He’d seen us at the club. Seen me about I guess. Has some big plot to take out the current master and offered me a spot on the team. I don’t think it was as a minion, either. Something higher up. Get this though. His big plan is to rule the city. Not to bring back the old ones or open a portal, just rule this place. We’re not in Kansas anymore.”

“Okay, that is a little sad. Still, what’d you say?” Willow was honestly curious. Fitting in, having power; these were things Xander had always secretly wanted.

“I told him no. And to leave me and mine alone.” Xander smiled when Willow looked up at him. “Free will and freedom, remember? I choose you guys. Over anyone and anything else. Always.”

“Idiot.” Willow’s smile transformed her face as much as the demon did and the worry from her eyes finally left. “Come on. I can feel the sun begin to rise. We should go home.”

* * *

The first thing Giles did when they got home what start on the scotch. The second thing was to reread all the emails from Faith and Dawn concerning Cordelia and the fate of everyone in L.A. He sat at his desk for a while, checking all the news he could find on the subject, all the while drinking steadily. Jenny quietly sat next to the desk and watched. She answered when a comment or question was directed her way, but for the moment she remained patient and supportive, knowing he had to get the initial research underway before he could rest. She did intend to make him rest at some point though. So she never commented on the continued drinking. When in his drunken state he wanted to call Faith then and confront her with this, she was able to reason with him that he was not in a frame of mind to be able to ask the questions in a way that wouldn’t betray everything. He had to agree and she was finally able to convince him to put it off to morning and to go to bed for tonight.

For her part, Jenny wasn’t nearly as upset as Giles. She supposed it was the distance, the numbness, the years away from it all. To her, Cordelia was still just a high school brat she barely knew. And the young woman she saw tonight was someone she barely recognized. Cordelia did save her life once. She wish could feel more if only for the sake of that rare memory that was her own. She had some tales the tribe told her. She knew she had changed some. And gone off to L.A. to help Angel. That was where the stories containing Cordelia ended. The tribe didn’t watch Angel once he left Sunnydale. His soul lost, and even with his soul returned and a calling found; in their eyes, Justice had failed. She had failed.

Also, if she could be back from the dead, why was it so remarkable that Cordelia could be back from a coma? The real question that bothered Jenny is why she was with Buffy. And why the tribe didn’t tell her about it. Well, the answer to that one was simple enough: they must not have known or seen it coming. Reason enough to be a little nervous herself. Her tribe has many women who are able to see the most likely events of the future. This, then, was unforeseeable.

Nervous or not, ready or not, her instinct to go out tonight was right. She might have reasoned it was to get her life back, but she couldn’t fully deny the pull she felt towards Buffy, Willow and Xander; the need to see them, to know where they were. She cursed her own tribe under her breath even as she tucked the one gift of all of this, the one she loved underneath the covers and watched as he fell to a drunken deep sleep. Then still not ready, still nervous, still driven by instinct; she slipped from the apartment and walked quickly back toward the corner of E. Holly and Railroad.

It had to be the connection. That could be the only reason in a city this size, on their first night out she would see Buffy. And now, returning to the dark streets just before dawn she would see Willow and Xander as well. She hadn’t yet reached E. Holly when she spotted them. She just knew before her eyes could even confirm as they passed a streetlight that it was them. She slowed down and followed well behind; trusting the connection to lead her. They continued steadily up E. Holly and with the dawn fast approaching, she quickly caught up to see which of the many closed buildings they might be holding up in. She watched them enter the small side door of a large brick two story warehouse or factory. Now she knew. And knowing, it was time to go home and see if she could finally settle down enough to sleep for a bit.